arrrggh

    There, Thats got to be the title of maybe a million blog posts. I guess this is useful if I keep coming back to post something when I am feeling like getting up and doing my part is just not an option anymore. I want to cry out, I feel like its too much, I feel like I might break. I'm tired of telling people at my office "no I'm fine just give me a minute and I'll get the rest out.    I'm tired of pity, and the flip-side, totally dismissive; " its all in your head, you just need to focus more!" and "quit the excuses, you can't blame_____ on narcolepsy"

And I'm stuck- do I like writing a paragraph so chock full of I's and Me's?? Do I want to be a crybaby?, Do I want to sit still and ooze like the glob of poo that I feel like being? do I like being defined as a narcoleptic? NO!!

All day I fight to reestablish vision, I don't understand it but somehow my mind breaks my focus, the screen turns into a blur, and I have to(with effort) force my eyes to refocus. 


Its hard to keep going back and deleting letters cause my hands drop all the time for a split second while typing.


I miss playing tag with Kymira, we used to chase each other like mad around and around the house, and outside. I feel like crying when she asks me to-  and now.

Those things are in a better corner than others though. I can clearly explain why they are not my fault. I can shed some of the guilt.

My root pain this very moment is the distance and barrier my wife has had to put between us. I've failed her horribly. I have hurt, and betrayed her- I can't sleep well cause my conscience hurts., and the place I'm sleeping isn't so good for my back. That aside I NEED HER, as much as she hates how well I remember my first girlfriend from 11 years ago, Its the same whatever(wiring?) in my head that makes my wife an absolutely indispensable, who I will love no less no matter what, and forever. I'm quite certain of it, it is just how I am.

I can try to say that Its my disease, I don't always think clearly or make the best decisions. "You would have a hard time properly considering the effects of your choices, if I deprived you of sleep for a few days too",?? right?
I have impulse, and craving control issues that I didn't have a few years ago, that I didn't experience and learn to handle in adolescence, when it was safe to learn such things. I hate what I am and seek escapist activities/ and will do certain things that have no benefit, waste the precious time I do have. (stupid computer games) and are detrimental to our relationship.

Bottom line; I've failed, she has no reason to cut me more slack, or consider my far fetched ranted, reasonings, and hypothesis based excuses. And I miss her.