Why do I still feel ok?
When everything is wrong, my heart feels like a panicked horse tied to a wagon full of fear. Head aches
SO tired. I want so badly to share in my families life- I want to feel love from my wife. For all that's happened, I wouldn't give a minute of the time we shared. I just can't imagine a love that was so wonderful to be dead? Life is overwhelming, my girls are so wonderful! I love to catch acacias eye from across the room! She told me how she danced with Kymira at a wedding last saturday, I AM MISSING SO MUCH!! Its like already being dead. I miss my wife, I miss her worrying about me, I miss having someone to talk to. I'm crying alone, my heart hurts its pounding so hard, but all I can think about is how amazing, and wonderful my life has been. I am happy with who I am. I make mistakes yes, I fail and flake. But I am good. I love, my wife so much. I have two wonderful daughters. Life amazes me, its enough to watch, and feel- it takes my breath away, its so beautiful, what we can do and share. This is a wonderful world, it even has a place for me

Too late??

Wow,  this made me cry very much. I had an enlightenment with relevance to my wife and the state of our marriage. Just a few months ago-(having been separated for 6 weeks =(  RaeAnn was doing stuff with an old friend, they had been disconnected for a long time. Her friend was going through a very hard time. They had plans to go see a country music band together, but my wife started to think that maybe she shouldn't go. I asked her why she felt that way, and she explained that she had been going out, and doing a lot of things without me, and the girls, and felt guilty,  she felt that money was an issue as well. I told her to go! She needed to here that I thought her level of recreation was not only worthwhile, but absolutely a benefit to our family. Not because I wanted to be alone, but because she needed to enjoy herself, and just plain wasn't getting that from me. A day after a karaoke night with "the girls" we talked about it again. I explained sadly that I did not feel like the happy, positive, or fun, person (to what extent that I had ever been!) that she had WANTED to marry and spend her time with. And that it was a great relief to me to see her out having fun, being herself. I don't remember if I had acknowledged or not that I did feel a little sad that she no longer loosened up, or laughed like that when we did things together. But I understood. I was at that time in a very tight pattern, I went to work at 6:30 had to stay till 5 or 6:00 because of needing extra time at lunch or in the afternoon to nap, and so got home just in time to eat something and go to sleep again. Not so much fun!

 She had over the last few years, cast herself, as my caregiver, the family caregiver, and was never again my partner. No excuses here, I am very much to blame for the demise of our marriage. I haven't been any ball of fun the last few years between Narcolepsy with its ups, downs, and forgot to do its, and the associated depression. And I did need and at times ask for the care she gave me. I can say one of my happiest moments was at a social function, in a house packed with familiar laughing people, She saw a look in my eyes, she darted to me and HELD ME UP through a particularly strong bout with cataplexy. And just for reference I am 5'11" 240, and she is 5' Nothing, and at least 90lbs lighter! I would do anything to take back my mistakes, my slowness in "waking up"... Not too sure what to do now... I would do anything to feel worth her attention again.

Bronze Birch Borer, oh... and Lions and Tigers and Bears

Time to Change our thoughts in the placement of the white birches that we have so over used the last few decades!  Thanks to one FEISTY little insect, Agrilus Anxius, or the Bronze Birch Borer. In truth this guy probably belongs anywhere certain birch species occur, and we brought the birches!  

-the crown of the birch tree, one side of it, will often begin to die first.

Agrilus Anxius has been in the Northwest for almost a decade but because of its life cycle tends to be noticed 4-5 years after starting infestations. The female lives 3-4 weeks after leaving her pupae cell in a warm week of May or June,from the tree where she grew up. She is attracted to the strong scent of a birch trees rapid early summer growth, but irresistibly is drawn to trees that have fresh wounds, or that are oozing sap. We are deep into the second and third generations here in Portland, they have spread with light manifestations for the last 6-10 years, now that the population is strong we can expect all but the most healthy and well suited trees to die in the next two-three years. 

The Larvae kill a birch tree by eating the conductive tissue under the bark, thus cutting the root off from the branches. If left untreated, this will kill the tree within a few years. If you have any type of birch trees, keep an eye on them, look in the top third to show first, they will be inside working their way down the trunk.

This pest will target trees under stress. One of the primary reasons for stress is drought and the resulting slow growth.

Some 'Experts' advise extra watering, this may provide some (probably very small) benefit. But shows us the importance of placing the tree within the right system. Birch are water loving trees, and somewhat intolerant of high soil temps, mostly just due to having very shallow roots.

This is a prescription lifted off a local tree service companies website:

To protect or begin the control process for Bronze Birch Borer, the trees must be treated with an approved soil active systemic product during the cool months, which is then absorbed by the root system in the early Spring. Not all systemic products will work. Most 'over-the-counter' Rose type systemics will do nothing. Foliar spray treatments will do little. Because this pest is so severe I recommend preventative treatments yearly. If the pest invades to the point of severe damage, it may be too late.

While this borer is part of the midwest ecosystem, it may not have ever established here in near history, certainly looks like this is the first incursion- wil be permanent, and severe.

Chemical treatments year after year for tree varietals, and or individuals, placed in unsuitable  situations???, does not constitute much of a plan. And sounds expensive!

I think we need to realign our thinking on the design intent/ usage of the tree. Can you plant F. Latifolia anywhere on a site? No and that is a tree native and suited to our little climate here. Same for the birches- which grow in wet places on banks and slopes, and require full canopy shade, or heavy ground cover. 

New rules are in place! Placing a birch near a hard surface(sidewalk/ Asphalt), or alone in the middle of a lawn, will tend to just give your bugs plenty of food!

 

As a commercial landscape contractor- I will not warrantee Betula J. or some of the others, on a new project.

Comments about the bronze birch borer possibly eliminating a species, have no validity- at most this borer has the ability to make us quit throwing non- native birch species indiscriminately through the landscape- or even force an industry moratorium on the ornamental useage. We have already vastly altered the prevalence, by introduction of non- natives throughout the Genus, and the trees are so prolific that there will always be plenty of seedlings. And those will have a far better chance of success that the most fussed over tree in the landscape. Just another example of paying attention to the way things were created, we learn again and again that success depends on study and understanding of nature.

 The adult Bronze Birch Borer leaves a distinctive 'D'-shaped exit hole as it burrows out of the tree. Many times, the area around the exit hole is stained this bronze color.

Tired of thinking

It hurts to find that the thinking, constructing of projectibles, and endless analysis just doesn't work for the stuff that matters-  I, and we, have grown so dependent, and insular. My varied and lively groups of friends has died off over the past ten years.  The first killings were those guys that I used to do single stuff with, and a few couples too. These were deemed to not be "friends of our Marriage", and thus, there was no purpose to spending time with them. One by one I let go, and neglected those friendships. Scrambling for a semblance, or a pretense, to still being a fun guy, a good "buddy", UP for stuff, I lost balance, and further cemented her Idea that these people were just bad for me- It wasn't their fault, or hers- It was mine.

So here we are- I've cast off all my old friends, the people that would take me however I come. And whats left of me is not quite up to parr with any of those great people whose friendship could maybe improve, and refine my errant, UN-focusable Personality. Yeah! I crash on my way home from work! most of the time, after staying awake for a workday, I'm as useful as a pile of ( ) for hanging out or talking. It really does seem like its downhill from here, unless something big changes. I can hardly object when my wife has no use for me, I've disgusted, discluded, neglected, lied to and hurt her. At my best I'm gone at work all day- which is a long time when trying to get a full days work done around the two or three naps that it takes- and then I come home kiss my girls and either fall asleep, sit in a useless daze, or use some stimulating project that I'll never finish, when there is a month's worth of work waiting just to finish a remodel that I started almost 2 years ago.

My wife and I have been so far apart, when she is all that we have.

I miss her.
I miss being in love
I miss her wanting to hold my hand when she cries



It feels like she tears apart

with every turn of my inconsistancies

she hurts, tied to my carcass

she is streched with me

around my bones

a carrier for my minds poisons

I'm empty now but her

the place I go to feel

living along the length of my troubled viens

growing around my tired shell

keeping me from rest

you make us, out of the pieces

bloom despite the meagre soil

the last bud in my hand

all that is good in me

to, with you, share

in simple joy,

to hold my hand when you have to cry

what can I learn from my answers

I love my work because I design and draw and decide

What kind of work do you do?

Landscape

not that its all what i love, but i use the things that motivate me to get the rest done

Very cool. Ok, so now imagine that you've had a bad day and you're feeling really out of sorts or upset or unhappy. At a time like that, what kinds of things help you to feel better?

opening up a non work related cad drawing and drawing, new technologies, restorative work, species that maybe no one has thought to use

or sit in my back yard and watch bugs

Ok, so this is making sense to me. When you're unhappy, what makes you feel better is working on drawing, or designing things, or watching the natural world, have I got it right?

And hanging out with people is not something that's going to make you feel better, probably? (And that doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you, if that's true.)

yeah, just the same as when I was a little kid- thats what i mean- Like regardless of the data and experiences I have had I am really no different than I was in the third grade

and feel that there were some intangible but terribly important things that I've forgotten, since then

Hey Ben, you're not the only person in the world who finds thinking about things easier and more fun than interacting with people. People can be monumentally confusing.

yeah/ I do enjoy alot of people, o

often its stressful, but in the moment I do enjoy talking and learning about people

When you're enjoying talking with another person, what does the conversation tend to be about?

umm, learning about them, or speculating on scientific issues or a good book, or music

So, talking about something you're both interested in, rather than about feelings about something?

it doesn't really matter if they are interested or not, its the data I get out of the conversation

Ok, so here's another question: When you talk with another person, can you make a lot of eye-contact with them, or do you tend to try to look at something other than their eyes?

or by observing them while talking, same as observing a deer, or a small plant

yeah I like eye contact

it tells alot

Huh, ok. What does it tell you?

what they are not saying, if they are lying

if they care

So you're really able to pick up a lot from people's facial expressions, and body language, and nonverbal communication in general?

much more than my ears yeah

I do listen with my eyes

Huh, interesting. You're a bit of a conundrum to me so far. Here's another question: What do you tend to think about other people? Do you think that there are a good number of other people who are as smart as you are?

no, I don't give many people much credit or respect. And I may give way too much to a few. I mostly think others are too closed minded, catch on too slow, or are too difficult to direct

oddly enough I am a fantastic salesman

Have you ever felt like it didn't matter what happened to other people, as long as you could get what you wanted?

no

and I don't really want anything

Yah, that's what I figured.

why is it that you figured that

was it a figure? or a guess

I just can't see a person who's sad/angry that he can't play tag with his kid wanting to exploit somebody else.

a figure

I can see why you'd use the word "antisocial," but usually that refers to a person who doesn't care much about other people, and who is willing to hurt other people in order to get what he or she wants

You sound much more interesting, and much more complicated, than that.

I am more interested in whether you have any good ideas as to the right understanding

Y'know, we'd have to probably actually talk to each other for awhile for me to start to have a good guess. And then it would only be a guess. But just like you, I can tell a lot more when I can see and hear a person than when I'm just typing back and forth.

I quit trying to deal with it and gave in to pretending again because I was starting to go into places internally that seemed too dangerous, and added to the depression that has always been a concern.

Sure, that makes perfect sense to me. And it's good to know when that kind of internal exploration is getting too hard, and when to back off for awhile.

I would love to get to the point where I can understand myself and feel genuine, hopefully before I am seventy

I would love for you to get to that place too.

I worry that I started pretending too long ago and in some ways forgot too much of what was real

What do you think you've forgotten?

and that seems to be backed up by people that have asked to hear about it like you

thats the question I wish that I could answer

Hmm. I'm not sure that I'm agreeing with you there - 'cause I don't know what you've forgotten, or what's going on. All I can definitely see so far is that there's a disconnect happening for you, and that it's really making you unhappy.

Its wrong that I , a person that has a great capacity for abstract, can't figure out such core questions

right

I know (and love) a number of people who are 1) tremendously smart, and 2) have great difficulty with those sorts of core questions. It's not *wrong*, it's just difficult.

I thank you for the conversation, hope to talk more soon

ANytime, Ben. Hang in there.

do you mind if I extract this conversation, I want to look back at my anwers

Y'know, I was just going to ask the same thing. I don't mind. I want to do it because my memory is *terrible*, and I don't want to have to start over from scratch the next time we talk. Is it ok if I do the same?

yeah

 did your narcolepsy and cataplexy start after any  frightening things?

not really- my first sign looking back was in 7th grade I started hiding and napping when I should have been in class, being around so many people stressed me out alot

Ah, and no head injury in 7th grade?

no, not till later 17-21 mostly , I didn't realize/ or figure out the cataplexy till only 8 months ago

I was pretty sure about narcolepsey a year ago

I asked just because sometimes narcolepsy can be caused by head trauma

yes, but the symptoms, and progression of my case has been affected quite clearly by stress

what kinds of stress?

how early in life can you remember a sure sign of n

5

family, having to be at school,

5 wow! I think 12 for me

Oh, you get stressed, and it temporarily gets worse till you get unstressed?

yes before two years ago

when I got married at 22 people around me started asking waht was wrong with me and trying to offer diagnosis, that was the first irreversible onset

then at 27 and a half it really started getting bad

Y'know they don't know everything about narcolepsy with cataplexy yet, and they know less about n without c. For me, I had a gradual onset, and then got really sick 2 years ago, and then it was permanently much worse.

I have looked over emails and letters, notes from classes, trying to pinpoint why

thats funny two years ago for me too

Yeah, I think a lot of us go through all kinds of old stuff, trying to figure out what got us here, and how...

starting two years ago I was telling people that I didn't understand why i am so tired, i have things that I was writing , where I carried on in automatic for at most ten or fifteen minutes worth of writing, which I SO wish was more legible

and I started driving while mostly asleep,

Even if it was more legible, it probably wouldn't make any sense. That's automatic behavior for ya.

I say that because some part of me is awake, and I think my eyes have to be open, I ALWAYS wake right before the crash, or with en feet left to swerve

Oh, honey, that's really scary

I would bet its nearly the exact same distance from danger every time, and whatever part is in control knows enough to wake me up, but recognises danger too late