Wow, this made me cry very much. I had an enlightenment with relevance to my wife and the state of our marriage. Just a few months ago-(having been separated for 6 weeks =( RaeAnn was doing stuff with an old friend, they had been disconnected for a long time. Her friend was going through a very hard time. They had plans to go see a country music band together, but my wife started to think that maybe she shouldn't go. I asked her why she felt that way, and she explained that she had been going out, and doing a lot of things without me, and the girls, and felt guilty, she felt that money was an issue as well. I told her to go! She needed to here that I thought her level of recreation was not only worthwhile, but absolutely a benefit to our family. Not because I wanted to be alone, but because she needed to enjoy herself, and just plain wasn't getting that from me. A day after a karaoke night with "the girls" we talked about it again. I explained sadly that I did not feel like the happy, positive, or fun, person (to what extent that I had ever been!) that she had WANTED to marry and spend her time with. And that it was a great relief to me to see her out having fun, being herself. I don't remember if I had acknowledged or not that I did feel a little sad that she no longer loosened up, or laughed like that when we did things together. But I understood. I was at that time in a very tight pattern, I went to work at 6:30 had to stay till 5 or 6:00 because of needing extra time at lunch or in the afternoon to nap, and so got home just in time to eat something and go to sleep again. Not so much fun!
She had over the last few years, cast herself, as my caregiver, the family caregiver, and was never again my partner. No excuses here, I am very much to blame for the demise of our marriage. I haven't been any ball of fun the last few years between Narcolepsy with its ups, downs, and forgot to do its, and the associated depression. And I did need and at times ask for the care she gave me. I can say one of my happiest moments was at a social function, in a house packed with familiar laughing people, She saw a look in my eyes, she darted to me and HELD ME UP through a particularly strong bout with cataplexy. And just for reference I am 5'11" 240, and she is 5' Nothing, and at least 90lbs lighter! I would do anything to take back my mistakes, my slowness in "waking up"... Not too sure what to do now... I would do anything to feel worth her attention again.
