what can I learn from my answers

I love my work because I design and draw and decide

What kind of work do you do?

Landscape

not that its all what i love, but i use the things that motivate me to get the rest done

Very cool. Ok, so now imagine that you've had a bad day and you're feeling really out of sorts or upset or unhappy. At a time like that, what kinds of things help you to feel better?

opening up a non work related cad drawing and drawing, new technologies, restorative work, species that maybe no one has thought to use

or sit in my back yard and watch bugs

Ok, so this is making sense to me. When you're unhappy, what makes you feel better is working on drawing, or designing things, or watching the natural world, have I got it right?

And hanging out with people is not something that's going to make you feel better, probably? (And that doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you, if that's true.)

yeah, just the same as when I was a little kid- thats what i mean- Like regardless of the data and experiences I have had I am really no different than I was in the third grade

and feel that there were some intangible but terribly important things that I've forgotten, since then

Hey Ben, you're not the only person in the world who finds thinking about things easier and more fun than interacting with people. People can be monumentally confusing.

yeah/ I do enjoy alot of people, o

often its stressful, but in the moment I do enjoy talking and learning about people

When you're enjoying talking with another person, what does the conversation tend to be about?

umm, learning about them, or speculating on scientific issues or a good book, or music

So, talking about something you're both interested in, rather than about feelings about something?

it doesn't really matter if they are interested or not, its the data I get out of the conversation

Ok, so here's another question: When you talk with another person, can you make a lot of eye-contact with them, or do you tend to try to look at something other than their eyes?

or by observing them while talking, same as observing a deer, or a small plant

yeah I like eye contact

it tells alot

Huh, ok. What does it tell you?

what they are not saying, if they are lying

if they care

So you're really able to pick up a lot from people's facial expressions, and body language, and nonverbal communication in general?

much more than my ears yeah

I do listen with my eyes

Huh, interesting. You're a bit of a conundrum to me so far. Here's another question: What do you tend to think about other people? Do you think that there are a good number of other people who are as smart as you are?

no, I don't give many people much credit or respect. And I may give way too much to a few. I mostly think others are too closed minded, catch on too slow, or are too difficult to direct

oddly enough I am a fantastic salesman

Have you ever felt like it didn't matter what happened to other people, as long as you could get what you wanted?

no

and I don't really want anything

Yah, that's what I figured.

why is it that you figured that

was it a figure? or a guess

I just can't see a person who's sad/angry that he can't play tag with his kid wanting to exploit somebody else.

a figure

I can see why you'd use the word "antisocial," but usually that refers to a person who doesn't care much about other people, and who is willing to hurt other people in order to get what he or she wants

You sound much more interesting, and much more complicated, than that.

I am more interested in whether you have any good ideas as to the right understanding

Y'know, we'd have to probably actually talk to each other for awhile for me to start to have a good guess. And then it would only be a guess. But just like you, I can tell a lot more when I can see and hear a person than when I'm just typing back and forth.

I quit trying to deal with it and gave in to pretending again because I was starting to go into places internally that seemed too dangerous, and added to the depression that has always been a concern.

Sure, that makes perfect sense to me. And it's good to know when that kind of internal exploration is getting too hard, and when to back off for awhile.

I would love to get to the point where I can understand myself and feel genuine, hopefully before I am seventy

I would love for you to get to that place too.

I worry that I started pretending too long ago and in some ways forgot too much of what was real

What do you think you've forgotten?

and that seems to be backed up by people that have asked to hear about it like you

thats the question I wish that I could answer

Hmm. I'm not sure that I'm agreeing with you there - 'cause I don't know what you've forgotten, or what's going on. All I can definitely see so far is that there's a disconnect happening for you, and that it's really making you unhappy.

Its wrong that I , a person that has a great capacity for abstract, can't figure out such core questions

right

I know (and love) a number of people who are 1) tremendously smart, and 2) have great difficulty with those sorts of core questions. It's not *wrong*, it's just difficult.

I thank you for the conversation, hope to talk more soon

ANytime, Ben. Hang in there.

do you mind if I extract this conversation, I want to look back at my anwers

Y'know, I was just going to ask the same thing. I don't mind. I want to do it because my memory is *terrible*, and I don't want to have to start over from scratch the next time we talk. Is it ok if I do the same?

yeah

 did your narcolepsy and cataplexy start after any  frightening things?

not really- my first sign looking back was in 7th grade I started hiding and napping when I should have been in class, being around so many people stressed me out alot

Ah, and no head injury in 7th grade?

no, not till later 17-21 mostly , I didn't realize/ or figure out the cataplexy till only 8 months ago

I was pretty sure about narcolepsey a year ago

I asked just because sometimes narcolepsy can be caused by head trauma

yes, but the symptoms, and progression of my case has been affected quite clearly by stress

what kinds of stress?

how early in life can you remember a sure sign of n

5

family, having to be at school,

5 wow! I think 12 for me

Oh, you get stressed, and it temporarily gets worse till you get unstressed?

yes before two years ago

when I got married at 22 people around me started asking waht was wrong with me and trying to offer diagnosis, that was the first irreversible onset

then at 27 and a half it really started getting bad

Y'know they don't know everything about narcolepsy with cataplexy yet, and they know less about n without c. For me, I had a gradual onset, and then got really sick 2 years ago, and then it was permanently much worse.

I have looked over emails and letters, notes from classes, trying to pinpoint why

thats funny two years ago for me too

Yeah, I think a lot of us go through all kinds of old stuff, trying to figure out what got us here, and how...

starting two years ago I was telling people that I didn't understand why i am so tired, i have things that I was writing , where I carried on in automatic for at most ten or fifteen minutes worth of writing, which I SO wish was more legible

and I started driving while mostly asleep,

Even if it was more legible, it probably wouldn't make any sense. That's automatic behavior for ya.

I say that because some part of me is awake, and I think my eyes have to be open, I ALWAYS wake right before the crash, or with en feet left to swerve

Oh, honey, that's really scary

I would bet its nearly the exact same distance from danger every time, and whatever part is in control knows enough to wake me up, but recognises danger too late